26th December, 2004. 10:47 pm.
Pom pom and I decided not to celebrate Christmas this year since we are house pets and can't comprehend holidays. Oh well. Pom pom said that he wasn't going to celebrate Christmas because he's converted to Islam. He won't answer to anything except Yusef Pom Pom now.
23rd December, 2004. 1:16 pm.
The other day, Maggie, Pom Pom, and I were dining at Ruby Tuesdays and the strangest thing happened. Pom Pom and I were both wearing our white mink-fur gloves (only the best will do for Pom Pom and I!) and this man comes to our table trying to sell us ketchup popsicles. I'm not sure if he was trying to be ironic or if he was just an idiot. Regardless, Pom Pom and I both quickly reached for our coin purses and bought the whole box of those delicious ketchup treats!
23rd November, 2004. 11:00 am.
yo yo yo! if ya'll see the new license plates on my ride - teats 6 - you best holla!
26th October, 2004. 12:46 am.
Oh how grand everything has been the past few days!
The other night, Maggie, Donnie, and I went to a smashing little get-together at our friend Collin's house. For legal purposes, I must exclude the activities I engaged in. But let's just say that it was a very banging affair that involved quite a lot of self-fellation and peeing in corners on my part. I get a little messy once I have a few alcoholic beverages in my little coin purse of a tummy.
The next day, after overcoming quite a vicious little hangover, my friend Arthur C. Cherrybottom came over to visit. Things have been getting very serious with the two of us the past few weeks. We shared a bowl of Meow Mix and a bowl of milk together. I accidentally dipped my freshly-combed mustache into the milk and Arthur - being the gentleman that he is - licked it all off and right away combed my whiskers back into place. And I must say, he did such a splendid job; my mustache looked very dashing the rest of the day. He is quite the tease, though. Every night, one his way home from work, he walks by the window and shakes his furry little tail at me. Why, I get so excited I simply can't stop myself from pissing in the kitchen!
The next day was very uneventful. Oh! But I was able to climb a tree! With the assistance of Maggie and Donnie, I was able to sit in a tree and enjoy the beautiful day for what seemed like an eternity. But alas, I was not able to spot my whiskered companion Arthur C. Cherrybottom. But, I admit that I felt as if I was leaning from the bow of the Titanic proclaiming, "I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD!"
All of these happy times came to ended this morning with a call from my office. Usually, I work from home, mostly trying to get my law practice on its feet, but occasionally, there are those days when those birdbrains at my part-time job can't lift a finger to help themselves. So after I was informed that they were in desperate need of my help, I threw on a hat and tie, combed my whiskers and tail and reluctantly jumped into the car. So once I arrived at the Manhandler, I was told that the only problem was that Ryan Hard - one of our dancers - had called and said he quit. It was no surprise to me and I was actually very pleased; it saved me the trouble of firing him. I was on the verge of telling him to get out because he was constantly making obscene gestures towards my coin purse But all was well. Thankfully I grabbed my nipple tassels before I ran out the door this morning so I was able to work in place of our missing dancer. With the tips I was able to make, I almost have enough to buy a new set of tassels.
22nd October, 2004. 1:34 pm.
i think donnie is a filthy bitch to me sometimes. i repeatedly ask him if by chance i may have received any mail today from big time celebrities like tori amos or bob dylan. he avoids me every time i ask. i doubt he even sent my letters yet. i hope he knows that it took me a very long time to draw those pictures. the picture i sent to tori has her being beautiful and playing the piano and i'm on stage dancing with her and the sun is shining. i also sent a picture to bob dylan and he's on stage playing my favorite song on the guitar and i'm dancing and the sun is shining on us, too. i think they'll both really like them.
i was also very mad at donnie and maggie last night because they wouldn't let me play with simon and franny. they brought them out for a little while and then quickly locked them in the closet again. i think it was just to tease me. they just don't understand how much i love simon and franny. we're actually very good friends and although i may put them in my mouth occasionally, i have no intentions of hurting them. i thought about sodomizing their carved pumpkins as revenge, but i fell asleep.